Looking Good
Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven't changed in 20 years."
"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."
Good Seats
Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken.
"No," he replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since she passed away, I’ve gone alone."
"Why don’t you invite a friend?"
"I can’t. They’re all at the funeral."
Slightly Worn
"For sale," read the ad in our hospital’s weekly newsletter, "sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn once, by mistake."
Recycling?
Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here."
I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.
Shrinking
After years of battling the bulge, my sister finally lost weight. In fact, she shed so many pounds that her suits began to sag, leading one co-worker to suggest she alter her clothes to fit her new figure.
"Not yet," my sister said. "Let me enjoy the sag a little while first."
Review and Repeat
When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as guilty.
"Allow me to clarify," he said in response. "I review. You repeat."
Taking It With You
Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you'll put it in the casket."
After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend.
Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.
Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn't put the money in there."
"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Like New
I love making clothes for my five-year-old granddaughter. And she, in turn, always seems happy to accept them. The other day, I asked if she would like me to make her a skirt.
"Yes," she said. "But this time, could you make it look like it came from a store?"
Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven't changed in 20 years."
"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."
Good Seats
Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken.
"No," he replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since she passed away, I’ve gone alone."
"Why don’t you invite a friend?"
"I can’t. They’re all at the funeral."
Slightly Worn
"For sale," read the ad in our hospital’s weekly newsletter, "sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn once, by mistake."
Recycling?
Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here."
I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.
Shrinking
After years of battling the bulge, my sister finally lost weight. In fact, she shed so many pounds that her suits began to sag, leading one co-worker to suggest she alter her clothes to fit her new figure.
"Not yet," my sister said. "Let me enjoy the sag a little while first."
Review and Repeat
When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as guilty.
"Allow me to clarify," he said in response. "I review. You repeat."
Taking It With You
Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you'll put it in the casket."
After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend.
Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.
Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn't put the money in there."
"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Like New
I love making clothes for my five-year-old granddaughter. And she, in turn, always seems happy to accept them. The other day, I asked if she would like me to make her a skirt.
"Yes," she said. "But this time, could you make it look like it came from a store?"
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